Guy Leave Funny Im Leaving You
Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking...
and then I saw her face...
A father tells his 10 year old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
I'm leaving you for an NSA officer
"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.
"But why? What does he have that I don't?"
"He listens to me."
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
two deer are leaving a gay bar
one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
Joke my dad loved
What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
My gf told me to leave and never come back...
My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"
You can explore leaving exit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean leaving sieve dad jokes. There are also leaving puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....
That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A man comes home to find his wife packing...
He says "Hunny, what are you doing"
"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"
"Why?"
"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"
The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
To reverse and leaving the scene
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"
My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!
to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on
Sorry, tuba players...
A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"
I was in a tailor.
I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."
"What's that?" he queried.
"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space.
Exactly 1GB
I regret joining the gym recently..
leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country
Not a political post, I just love to travel
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...
Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...
... a stainless steal.
If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.
You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?
That's common sense leaving your body.
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.
At least thats what the cat told me.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.
I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".
I didn't bother leaving a tip.
My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…
I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."
My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...
I said, "So you want me to stay now?".
Music can really take you to another place
Like this bar I'm in plays nickleback, so I'm leaving
I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.
She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."
My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."
I said,"please don't,I can change."
Women are like hurricane...
...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.
As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread
Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"
Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*
I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
With the rise of self driving vehicles,
we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.
My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...
"And they're off!"
Einstein is on a train leaving New York.
He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"
TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.
Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.
"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
My wife walks into the kitchen
Me: it sure is muggy outside
Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you
*Sips coffee out of bowl*
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, This isn't working. I am leaving, good bye.
I opened up the fridge and it seems to be working just fine...and she says I'm the stupid one?
Now that vehicles are driving themselves...
It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.
"I'm leaving you!..."
I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!
But honey, what about our child?
What child?!
Oh, so you're not pregnant?
Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet
She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"
Her: I'm leaving you because you're too cocky.
Him: Close the door on your way back in.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
My wife is leaving me because she's fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later...
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country
If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.
This is not a political post. I just want to travel.
George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker
But I think she's bluffing.
Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.
According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
My wife said "I'm leaving you because your always pretending to be a transformer."
I said "no, wait! I can change."
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids
Let's make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....
Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates
Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"
A proud father has six children.
He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."
She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
Here is how we will know when the self-driving car revolution has truly arrived:
When you hear a country song about someone's truck leaving them
What's the last thing the Tickle Me Elmo gets after leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
The convoy trucks are leaving Ottawa.
They're on the Highway to Hull.
(Canadians will get this joke)
A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.
After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks up and says: "Well I'm hardly surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here".
A Higgs boson walks into a church, goes into the confessional and tells the priest that he's thinking of leaving the church
The priest says, my son, you can't leave the church!
The Higgs boson replies but I must, I am having a real crisis of faith!
The priest says, you don't understand, if you leave then we can't have mass!
Three drunk men get in a taxi after leaving the bar.
The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off after ten seconds, saying they had arrived at their destination.
The first man gave him the money and exited the taxi.
The second man thanked him and also left the taxi.
The third man slapped the driver.
The driver was surprised that he noticed and asks him.
To which, the third man says, "Why did you drive so fast?"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going?
The cat is dead, he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, how's my mom?
She's playing on the roof.
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
Source: https://jokojokes.com/leaving-jokes.html
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